On Being Ourselves

Relationships are like experiences with our body and our health. We let the grind of daily life wear us down, and we forget to nurture and nourish this important machine that keeps us alive, keeps us happy, gives us purpose. Many of us do not even see relationships as something that need care and attention, especially with those that are closest and most important to us. How often have we heard people say (or have said ourselves) “If I need to work at a relationship, what’s the point?” Or, “I go to work, why do I want to come home to work some more?”

Many of us are even guilty of finding the energy and patience for strangers via our willingness to be courteous and be on our best; but with the ones we love, we feel that it is OK to let the ugliest version of ourselves out to play.

This logic is built upon the idea that others (work, people) are more important that our relationships with the people we love. Or perhaps it is simply that we have been romanced into believing that love comes naturally; and that if we love, be can be completely ourselves all the time and everything will always and constantly/consistently be well.

We forget we are in relationships with real people. People with their own thoughts, histories, doubts, insecurities, strengths, needs, desires, fears, courage, feelings…We think that because we tell them we love them, and they us, we are able to behave in an abusive way, and lie to ourselves that we are merely being ourselves. We behave as if our ugliest self is a gift we are bestowing on the ones we love.

Ever so often we need to reset - make time and commitment to reset. We need to give our relationship the attention and nourishment it needs; to get things back on a good path again when it may be starting to veer of course because we’re tired and not paying attention. We need to recognise and admit to ourselves when we have fallen into habits we know are damaging to the relationship and the person we love.

We do all this with our physical health - at least, most of us do or are more inclined to do. We go for our medical check-ups, we go to spas, have detoxes, we exercise, research diets, go on diets, we take vacations to de-stress and have breaks, we find fun and meaningful activities to fill our time off work, we learn new skills, acquire new hobbies and we arrange to meet with friends and family we have not seen in a while to spend time with them.

So why would we not invest the same time and energy in building on our relationships with the people we love?

There is a lovely quote by Jeanette Winterson that encapsulates this idea that love, as with everything else, needs attention and nurturing.

Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it. What then kills love? Only this: Neglect.

Not to see you when you stand before me. Not to think of you in the little things. Not to make the road wide for you, the table spread for you. To choose you out of habit not desire, to pass the flower seller without a thought. To leave the dishes unwashed, the bed unmade, to ignore you in the mornings, make use of you at night. To crave another while pecking your cheek. To say your name without hearing it, to assume it is mine to call.

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.”

Anais Nin

Love doesn’t simply exists and persist in a relationship, in any relationship - romantic or otherwise, with someone else or with ourselves. Lasting love requires attention.

Love isn’t about being ourselves. It is about being the best versions of ourselves, because the people we love deserve nothing less.