a hike to heal

I wanted to share my experience after reading so many of your beautiful stories - told with vulnerability and love. While I am sorry many of you are going through painful crossroads, I am inspired by your strength and emboldened by this community of care amongst strangers.

On my 56th birthday, I went on a 5-day hike in Bali. I did not want to as I was in a space of trauma — needing to just hide, sleep, perhaps not to wake up.

The long and short of it was I went, each day wanting to quit. In fact, wanting to quit before it even started. I sobbed silently into my pillow every night so the other hikers in the group didn't hear me, I walked either at the back of the group or the front so that nobody could see if I broke down in tears. It was mentally gruelling.

With the remote support of my ex-husband, whom I called every day to cry to, his "stay the night and see how you feel in the morning - if you still want to, quit then" kept me going and before I knew it, it was Day 4.

When I look back, it is with a sense of pride - I can say to myself “you are strong”, “you didn’t tap out because it was difficult”, “you rallied and made friends”, etc.

I am still in that space of trauma, still at my crossroads, still feeling lost, still bewildered, still grieving, still feeling an unfathomable shame. No hike, no trip, is going to suddenly change that. But that doesn’t take away this layer of affirmation that I gained as a result of it.

And it helps, even just a little.

Keep traveling.

Write me a post to share to a private Facebook group - Solo In Style: Women Over 50 Traveling Solo.